Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Who am I as a blogger?

At the start of this year, I think I was one of the only bloggers who didn't do a post about my New Years resolutions and plans for the year ahead. Not because I didn't make any, I made a lot, for my blog and my personal life, but because if I shared them then didn't do them, I'd feel guilty and like I had to explain why. See, I'm having a bit of a tough time at the moment with my blog. I don't really know what I am as a blogger. 

 make no secret of the fact that I started blogging way back in 2011, to boost my CV and develop my writing. Ever since I was a child, I've loved to create, whether that's writing, drawing, sewing, photographing, I just love creating something I can be proud of. An avid journal keeper since my mid teens, I've always loved words and feel I come across better in writing than in person. Maybe it's my 'resting bitch face' (God, I hate that term!) I don't know. But generally speaking, I like how I come across in writing and I'm good at it so I wanted to create a blog to showcase my work and to build a portfolio of writing for freelance work. I didn't start because of my love of beauty or fashion, I started mainly for professional reasons, although as it happens, being a full time blogger as a career sounds like my worst nightmare. (I have a whole post on that here if you want to know more).

I started mostly to write about fashion and beauty, I didn't even know that lifestyle blogging (everyone's favourite vague umbrella term) was even a thing when I started. Now though, 4 and a half years later, I still love fashion and beauty, but I'm more than that. I have strong views on social issues and politics and feminism and LGBTQA+ issues and race and health and sex and drugs and rock and roll and I've got a lot more to say for myself. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that for every tweet about a handbag or a lipstick, I'll probably post 20 about those topics. 

But blogging, and society in general is always apprehensive about a women has both superficial and serious interests, and as a result, I'm left feeling lost and unsure how to define my blog. To a lot of people, that'd be fine, but I am and always have been someone who likes to know rather than go on feeling and if even I don't know and it's my blog, I can't expect my readers to know or understand either. As weird as it sounds for an online hobby, I felt lonely. I'm not at all lonely in my life as a whole, but I'm lonely in my 'blog life'. 

Time after time in blogger chats on Twitter, when asked why people started their blogs or what they think the best thing about blogging is, the community is praised. This all-accepting community, that supports one another and works together to promote positivity amongst bloggers. Or do I'm told. Until maybe 6 months ago, I truly believe every word of that, I answered blogger chat questions with the exact same and ultimately bland statements. 

Recently though, I've started to see this community differently. Don't get me wrong, most people in it are respectful, supportive, welcoming and well intentioned, I've even recently joined a WhatsApp group with seven other bloggers which is so much fun and I think of them (among others) as my friends as well as just fellow bloggers. However, I think the idea of a community is put on too high of a pedestal. I have bloggers I don't like, I'm sure a lot of bloggers dislike me. Just because we share a hobby doesn't mean we should have to blindly support one another regardless of our opinions, views, morals, personalities or tastes. Maybe it's my feelings of disassociation from the blogging community that is causing me to feel alone and lost. 

One of my blog New Years resolutions I set myself was twice a week. It's now week 9 and I've posted 7 times, meaning I'm missed my target by 59%. I don't think of my blog as a job, but in any other, if I was under productive by more than half my already lenient target, there'd be a big problem. It's not the lack of ideas, it's not even the lack of content because I have loads of content photographed, written and edited, it's mostly the thought of doing the whole community thing to get it out there. I just feel withdrawn, not to mention plagued with guilt for being a huge hypocrite and like I constantly need to explain myself. 

I'm not even really sure why I'm writing this other than that I find putting my feelings into words to be therapeutic. Maybe you can relate? Oh please say someone can relate...

Regularly scheduled blogging will hopefully commence soon.