If you've been following my blog for a while, you'll know how sporadic I am with my posts and subsequently, my social media presence. Sometimes, I am ON IT, I'm driven, I have vision and I am fearless of what I want to create, while other times, you don't hear from me for days, weeks or even months at a time because it all overwhelms me. I guess, in some respects, I'm a little like that in life too. I'm a sociable introvert, but sometimes, I just recoil into my shell in order to recharge.
The strange thing this time though, is that I'm probably the happiness, most successful and most authentically myself as I've ever been. I've developed a lot as a person over the last few years, I'm stronger than ever. I've let go of negativity in my life, I've worked hard on myself, I've got rid of people who were toxic to me and replaced them with people who just *get* me. I'm more confident than ever. But with this happiness comes something I'm sure we all experience to varying degrees - the fear of losing it. I believe we control our happiness more than we give ourselves credit for, but I still can't help but doubt my creative abilities and while my personal life, friendships and career and thriving, my love of writing is gathering dust.
I watched two Youtube videos about a month ago now, and while they are very different videos, both have given me a lot of food for thought on getting back into writing. The first was 'The Other Side of Burnout' by Matt D'Avella and the second was 'I'm Lazy' by Jack Howard. Yes, I said it. I was inspired by two white men. I never thought I'd see the day either. After seeing both of these videos, neither of which I went in search it, I felt a desire to write for the first time in ages. Not to write for any specific purpose or freelance job or even to let anyone see the writing itself, but just to write for creative relief and I felt good after doing so.
I had also been pretty consistently tired recently and I couldn't pinpoint what from, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that it was exhaustion from feeling overwhelmed and lacking in clarity. I had a lot of goals in my personal life and in my career - very clear, defined and structured goals which I feel motivated to work hard to achieve - but in my creative pursuits, I felt suffocated. I felt like I was constantly seeing things that inspired me, but I over-thought them and talked myself out of even trying because I was worried it won't be perfect. But off the back of this, I took some time to think. Really think. Hard. And write down. To scribble. To doodle. To make lists. To curate my social media platforms. To organise my mind. To define my goals. As cliche as it sounds, I had a bit of an epiphany when it occurred to me - what would happen if I put the energy I've been exerting into worrying and over-thinking, the energy which is draining me and leaving me exhausted, into creating? I couldn't remember the last time I produced a piece of writing that I was truly proud of and that gave me that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't remember the last time that my thoughts were coming to me quicker than my hands could write them down. I couldn't remember the last time I stayed up late to write because the burning desire fueled me more than sleep ever could. It's not because I didn't have anything to say - trust me, I am bubbling over with thoughts and ideas - it's fear and anxiety that held me back and while it pains me and makes me feel weak to admit that, it's also weirdly motivating.
I'm not sure the purpose of this post if I'm completely honest. Maybe there is no purpose other than to get all my thoughts out of my head and to read this back to myself when my inner saboteur tells me there's no point in it all. If I never try, I'll never grow...